I am three months post-op now and whilst there are still some issues including “significant internal bruising” (following a semi-urgent call to my GP due to the pain levels) and still trying to work out how my body is now processing food, I’m doing relatively okay on that front.
However, there is something going on at the moment. I won’t go into detail at the moment out of respect for the people concerned. All I will say is that it was grim and devastating news that confronted me four weeks ago. My initial reaction was to break down in to floods of tears and I spent two days just randomly bursting into tears and flitting between sad and angry. But, since then, I seem to be holding my own. I tear up occasionally but there are no longer any floods of tears or wanting to smash the house up out of anger and frustration. I appear to have adopted the British, stoic approach of “suck it up, buttercup” and just get on with it.
This has caused concern all around, particularly with Jill. Jill is aware of the entire situation and we had a conversation on Sunday night where she very clearly and concisely expressed that she was worried because I appeared to be handling things too well. I agreed. I seem to be relatively emotionally upright at this precise moment and, quite frankly, I shouldn’t be. I don’t understand why I am so upright. Yes, I am taking my medication every day but that in itself wouldn’t do the job completely. I am worried that I appear to be “doing so well” right now.
So, am I really handling the situation? I’ll be honest, I just don’t know. Yes, I have lost any and all motivation. Yes, I am flitting between not eating for two days and eating everything in sight. These are all things that I am aware of and know why they are happening. But, have I just accepted that this is how it is going to be for a while? Has all the therapy that I’ve had and all of the mindfulness training I’ve been on actually having an effect now whilst this is all happening? Again, I genuinely don’t know and don’t understand it. I have tried to look deep into myself and really ask myself the tough question of “have I really accepted the situation”? I can honestly say that I think that I have. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it is downright fucking horrible but there is absolutely nothing I can say or do that will change the situation or make it better. It really is a case of “suck it up, buttercup”.
I have to think of the other people involved in the situation. Whilst they may not be as emotionally upright as I am right now, I need to provide a level of support to them until they are more emotionally upright. Maybe at that point, I will find myself on the rollercoaster dip that requires additional support. Maybe my little brain is telling me that I need to get them “okay” before I can fall apart. Maybe because there have been lengthy conversations with the key people involved, that has helped my little brain process things and reach a level of acceptance earlier than anyone expected/thought may happen. Who knows?
My brain is operating a little differently at the moment in that there are some physical symptoms of depression and anxiety coming through which I haven’t previously suffered from as much. I have a headache most days. Every now and again, I get a bit dizzy. I suffer from waves of nausea. There are some serious joint aches and pains going on and whilst a lot of that I’ll chalk up to getting older and the arthritis in my back, neck and shoulder, the pain levels have racked up several notches. So, maybe instead of my brain emotionally challenging me, it has decided to process my emotional pain through physical pain as that is much easier for me to contend with.
That, to be honest, is the only plausible explanation that I can come up with. Obviously during the second lockdown, the subsequent tier structures and with the current pressures on the NHS, I don’t want to contact my GP or any of the Mental Health Services because I just feel it’s going to be a waste of time. I know what is happening, I know what symptoms I’m presenting with and I’ve got a pretty good handle on how the various symptoms are presenting. What is a medical professional going to tell me? Everybody processes emotions differently. How you feel is totally “normal”. That would be an appointment wasted when somebody not used to trying to understand mental health could be having a much needed conversation with a professional.
All I really know is that is going to be one hell of a rollercoaster ride and I’ve just got to go with it right now, in whatever form the symptoms present themselves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a rollercoaster I don’t want to ride but, for the moment, I can’t get off.
Living The BPD Life 