We are now over a week into our semi lockdown, only being able to go out for essential food supplies, medication and for exercise. Those who have to work are able to go out for work.
For those who are still working – the NHS staff, the Emergency Services workers, the carers, the supermarket and other shop workers and anybody that is still having to use public transport and get to work – I do thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your selfless actions of still doing your job mean that whilst the rest of the country are (needlessly) panicking about eggs and loo roll, you are genuinely on the front line, putting yourselves and your family at risk for our benefit. You are the true heroes of this crisis.
As mentioned in a previous post, social distancing and semi self-isolation hasn’t really impacted my life a great deal so far in terms of disrupting my going out. I’m not exactly a social butterfly under “normal” circumstances and my usual way of life is to be at home for days and days at a time without seeing another human being. This doesn’t mean I’m happy to be at home for days and days at a time but, due to the anxiety and depression, it’s just what my life has been up until now for a very long time.
Whilst social distancing has impacted many people negatively with having to stay indoors, it’s actually made me have to go out! Usually, I have my shopping delivered via online shopping. I haven’t been able to get a delivery slot for weeks now (from any of my chosen supermarkets) and am unable to get a delivery slot until at least the middle of April. That, in itself, induced a mild panic attack of how was I going to get milk and the basics. I certainly didn’t (and still don’t) understand the obsession with loo roll and eggs and the resulting empty shelves. I saw the pictures of the empty shelves, the queues and the panic buying and, whilst I couldn’t understand why people were behaving like that, it did start to make me worry as to how I would get the essentials.
So, for the past couple of weeks I have had to actually venture outside and, basically, do battle with rude and aggressive stupid members of the British public whilst trying to just buy milk and cat food basically. On my previous trips out, I’ve walked to empty shelves, I’ve seen stockpiling, I’ve been sworn at and basically found the whole experience of having to shop extremely testing and hard hitting on my mental health. Yesterday, I had to venture out again. I was originally going to go on Saturday but I just couldn’t face it. Thankfully when I got to my local supermarket, they had put a queuing system in place to actually get into the store to reduce the masses in the store at any one time. When I got into the store, I found the shelves to be reasonably full and managed to get all of the things that I needed (apart from “ladies things”) with minimal fuss. I managed to get milk, cat food, fresh fruit and vegetables, chicken and pasta. I chose to use a self-service check out and paid by card. Whilst I wouldn’t say that the experience was pleasant, it was far more civilized than my previous four trips out.
I did go into the store wearing my latex gloves and a mask. One thing I wasn’t prepared for with the mask was that every time I breathed out, my glasses steamed up! I couldn’t see a damn thing. I tried taking my glasses off, forgetting that I am as blind as a bat without them too! As I was walking around the supermarket, there were plenty of people also wearing masks but not one of them was sporting a pair of glasses, so I couldn’t ask them how they were avoiding the steaming up! It took quite a lot of adjusting of the mask and time for my body temperature to self-regulate before the steaming up finished, by which point I was at the check out anyway! It’s all a learning curve I suppose.
I did find it reassuring being able to hide behind the face mask. I hide a lot (physically and emotionally) and having a face mask (although not covering my entire face) gave me my reassuring anonymity. Also realising that the vast majority of the public have now taken on board the gravity of the situation and are adhering to the Government restrictions also gave me some reassurance. The thing my previous trips out had shown me more than anything was that the public were just not taking this virus seriously enough and I found that very frustrating and the impact on my mental health was dealing with that frustration and not letting it turn into anger.
What I have noticed more than anything this week is how quiet it is. As I live in south-east London, I live under the flightpath for Gatwick Airport and live very close to City Airport. I am used to the aeroplane noise and seeing the vapour trails in the sky. I have really noticed the lack of noise, certainly from City Airport. The other evening as it was getting dark, I was sitting by the back door in the kitchen and I looked up at the sky and there were absolutely no vapour trails at all and there wasn’t one solitary aeroplane. It was the most beautiful clear, dusk sky I’ve seen since I lived way out in the countryside as a kid. I didn’t bother photographing it or videoing it, I just wanted to take it all in. I wanted to appreciate the beauty, the calm and the peace. I spent about half an hour just practicing my deep breathing exercises, taking in the cold, calm, quiet air and trying to get my mind to rest. It worked, for a while.
I’m going to do a separate post regarding the impact on my mental health, especially as over the weekend I’ve seen more and more on the news about mental health issues now that we have been in semi lockdown for over a week and some hints and tips that I have found useful for dealing with it. I just wanted to give you an update on the initial impact of semi lockdown on someone who doesn’t usually go out, but now has to.
Living The BPD Life 