Now for the Bad. On 20 July 2019, my beloved and adored Grandma passed away. She was the cracking age of 94 when she passed and had been battling cancer for a while. Those who know me well know that I considered my Grandma an absolute legend. After Grandad died, she refused to give up. She got herself a little job in the local charity shop, she got onto the internet and she even got broadband whilst the rest of us were still on dial-up! She got to see the family’s beloved Luton Town FC get back into the Championship. She got to see all five of her grandchildren get married and she had a whole clutch of great grandchildren to dote on. She was kind, loving and generous. We also held her wholly responsible for the family trait of being insanely stubborn and speaking our mind! If you had completely screwed up and weren’t quite ready to tell the parents yet, you went to Gran not only for advice on what you had done but advice on how to tell your Mum and Dad!
The last time that I visited my Gran was with my sister a couple of months prior to her passing away. We had originally planned to stop in for a quick couple of hours with Gran, a spot of lunch and a catch-up and then we had plans to do some other things that day whilst we were both in the area. It didn’t work out like that! We were having such a good laugh with Gran and absolutely ripping the piss out of each other, so much so that we didn’t leave until VERY late in the day! My sister had a two hour drive home and mine was just under two hours. We didn’t do anything else that we had planned that day and spent the entire day with Gran. It was fabulous. We were all on good form and just had such fun. I’m glad that final visit was so full of laughter, fun and joy.
The day that she died, my Mum phoned Jill and asked her to come around to my house and to tell me to call home. As soon as I saw Jill on the doorstep and she told me that I had to phone home, I knew something terrible had happened. It was either my Dad or my Gran. I phoned my Mum and she gave me the news that Gran had died. I know she was ill and that she was a great age but I was devastated. At that point, I could not imagine a world where my Gran wasn’t a part of my life. Gran had 50 years on this planet without me in her life; I hadn’t lived a day without her in my life up until that day. How was I going to deal with this?
I had a good cry with Jill but I don’t think it really registered with me for a while and, to some extent, I still don’t think it has. We had to wait until the end of August before we could have the funeral service. This was because of people’s summer holidays that would want to be there. I made the notifications of the funeral once we had the date and sent them to Mum and Dad for onward distribution. This is also the reason why that between 20 July and the middle of August, the steps challenge didn’t go too well and I just completely shut down.
Literally, straight after Gran died, England were locked in battle with Australia for the Ashes. Gran loved the cricket and we would spend many a phone call discussing the day’s play. That was the first realisation that she wasn’t around anymore, not being able to call her and talk to her about some of the shocking days we produced and some of the inspired play we produced.
In preparation for the funeral, Mum and Dad asked me to collate some photographs of Gran to show as a slide show at the venue for the post-funeral refreshments. It took me hours and it was hard work. There were a lot of tears but there was a lot a laughing and smiling, looking at old photos of my cousins, my sister and I as kids with Grandma and Grandad. Happier times. My Dad and Uncle decided that formal attire was not necessary for the funeral and because Grandma liked bright colours, we were all to wear bright colours too. I bought a new dress for the day; it was the least I could do for Gran. The day of the funeral, although incredibly sad, was very well turned out and was still full of laughing and enjoying wonderful memories of Grandma. The slide show of photographs went down a storm and I had also printed them off and put them in an album so people could go through the album at their leisure. I stayed at Mum and Dad’s that night and we were all sitting in the garden at Mum and Dad’s and we raised a glass of Asti to Gran (one of her favourite drinks) and laughed and told stories but, of course, we couldn’t get away from discussing Brexit!
It has been really tough without being able to call Gran, especially when it comes to the Ugly stuff which I’ll get to in my next post. Last weekend, I bought her a Christmas Card by mistake. I had to take it back to the shop and asked the shop assistant for a refund. I guess she saw the look in my eyes and had been there herself because the first thing she said to me was “Is this the first Christmas without her”? It was all I could do to stop bursting into tears there and then! Christmas is going to be rough without her this year. All of our usual family way of doing things at Christmas has been based around Gran for the last 25 years so all of our plans were thrown into disarray. So, not only are we facing our first Christmas without her, we’re starting all new family traditions. I don’t want it but it’s the way it has to be. We have to make the new family traditions good ones.
Last night, I replaced the cover on my iPad. Tucked behind the original case was Gran’s ticket from a cricket match that we went to in 1994. It was for Father’s Day. I took my Dad, Grandma and Grandad to Lord’s to watch the fourth day of the second Test between England and New Zealand. It was the last big day out I had with my Grandad before he passed away. Grandma had kept the ticket and whilst clearing out her house, Mum had found the ticket and passed it on to me. It was such a happy day. England went in to bat after tea – Mike Atherton and Alec Stewart were the opening pair. I actually bunked off Uni the next day and went back to Lord’s to watch Alec Stewart make 119! That Test ended up being drawn but I remember it so vividly. The sun shone, Mum had packed us off with food and drink and three generations of our family sat and watched a glorious day of cricket. The reason I mention this is because today England face New Zealand again, in New Zealand, in the first Test of the winter series. I shall be watching later on tonight and thinking of Grandma and Grandad and hoping that they have been reunited and are watching too.
Living The BPD Life 