Firstly, I need to apologise for having been missing in action for the past couple of months or so. I’ve had to do my applications for benefits and the subsequent assessments but I shall write more about that later.
More than anything, since Dave and Alexis got married last year, I’ve been stuck. I wholly accept that I am divorced and the marriage was over for a while before Dave actually left. I’m actually quite chilled out about being single. For the most part, I’ve enjoyed having the house to myself again. I’ve enjoyed knowing where everything is; everything having its place and everything in its place. I’ve liked that organised side of me again. I really enjoyed my holiday last year with the London Family and I’ve only got a few weeks to go until the next one. I’m nowhere near as nervous as I was last year.
BUT. And, here’s the but. Since they got married last year, I’ve pretty much been eating everything in my path. No, not pretty much; I have. I’ve put on nearly two stone (28 lbs) in weight since September 2018. I’m typing this whilst listening to “Ride The Storm” by Shotgun Messiah because if I listen to anything remotely sloppy or sad, I’ll never get through this.
I’ve definitely been stuck since they got married and it’s not just because I’m sad (I’ll come to that in a bit). I’m angry, really angry; in fact, I’m seriously pissed. As we know, anger is the big emotion that I can’t process and I’ve been sitting on this anger since September. How is it fair that they get to have their happy ever after? Between them, they committed the biggest breach of girl code and basic treachery that wouldn’t have gone amiss in a storyline for a drama. How is it fair then that they got to ride off into the sunset and I’m left behind?
I don’t know about Alexis’ ex-boyfriend and how he’s doing. I don’t speak to him. I was never his biggest fan and I genuinely believe that once he realised that Alexis was never going to go back to him and that she was with Dave, I became surplus to requirements. I do believe that he didn’t want to acknowledge that it was real and thought that she and I would end up speaking again. Once that reality sunk in for him, I wasn’t worth speaking to. I’m actually quite grateful for that because, as I say, I was never his biggest fan and I really didn’t want to talk to him about Alexis knowing what she’d done.
For over six months, I’ve been putting a brave face on that I’m fine and for the most part, I am. I am just so unbelievably angry. I never thought I could feel a rage this intense. I’ve tried every trick I know to move on from it. I’ve listened to really upbeat music; I’ve read through my Wellbeing books; I’ve listened to my Wellbeing CDs and, like I say, I’ve eaten my way through a shed load. I’ve self-harmed again with increasing regularity. I’ve shut myself away; I’ve forced myself out. Nothing’s working. I’m still here, after so much time, just seething.
Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I get past this anger? I so desperately don’t want it to become such a big part of my life that I turn into the “bitter and twisted witch” that Dave once accused me of being. I’m not bitter about my divorce. I’m not twisted about the divorce. It’s done; it’s finished and they’ve moved on. It’s the unfairness of it. It’s the unfairness of two lying, deceitful and, quite frankly, treacherous individuals being happy without a care in the world for the wreckage that they’ve left behind them. It’s the selfishness of it all. I’m not a bad person. Yes, I’ve made some absolutely shocking judgment calls over the years but I try to learn from every one of them and try and be a better person. I think I’m a good friend. You’d probably have to ask Jill and Jack for exact details on that and I hope I’ve not been a bitter disappointment to my family.
Here’s where the part about being sad may come into things. Maybe it would be different if I was in a new relationship myself. Is that the final piece to the puzzle of properly moving on? Is that what I’m missing to truly have put everything behind me? Oh bollocks. “Here I go again” by Whitesnake has just come onto the iPod. Excuse me for a second whilst I change that to a slightly more positive energy channelling tune! Sorted. “Ashes to Ashes” by Faith No More. That’ll do.
Back to my quandary. Should I be putting myself out there and dating again to truly move on; to help put an end to the anger? Wouldn’t that be using someone else though to help cool my anger? That’s not fair on them is it really? At this point I probably should point out that, about a year after Dave and I had split up, I did date a guy for a few months. However, he lived sufficiently far enough away that I didn’t see him very often. I didn’t tell him about my mental health issues – certainly not in any great depth. He wasn’t long out of his own marriage so I was very definitely his rebound and for a few months, it served a purpose. He was the one that broke it off and I have to admit that I was gutted about that but I knew that it was coming. I did have fun with him but it wasn’t a proper relationship because he didn’t really know about me and I was his rebound. Let’s put it this way, it didn’t take me very long at all to get over him. I’ve had a few first dates but no one has really lit the torch paper.
Dave and I split up three years ago now. In fact, it was three years ago a couple of days ago. Ooh, “Over You” by FM is now on the iPod. This is a goodie. I can seriously relate to this song. Check them out, they are such a good band.
I will freely admit at this point that I am lonely. But, I can be in a room full of people and feel alone. I knew that on New Year’s Eve. That’s part and parcel of who I am. I don’t need a boyfriend/man in my life. I’m ticking along quite fine on my own. In fact, I’ve spent more of my adult life single than I have in relationships. It has been a really busy start to the year. Between the applications and assessments for benefits, my Dad being ill and Jill’s Dad also being incredibly ill, I’ve been doing lots of running around. I can’t believe we’re at the start of May already and only a few weeks away from a much-needed holiday. My parents also reached the milestone of their 50th Wedding Anniversary which was a small, intimate but lovely celebration. But, I’m still lonely and I’m sad. I don’t think I want to go diving into a full on relationship, living with someone, holidaying with someone. I genuinely don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I’m not even sure I want that. I know that I’d like to meet someone whose company I enjoy and I think is pretty cool (and hopefully they’d feel the same about me). I want to have some fun with someone again. Go to the cinema; go bowling; have a picnic in Greenwich Park; a water pistol fight in the garden on a hot afternoon; maybe even a pillow fight on a Sunday morning whilst trying to decide who is making the coffee. Is that too much to ask? I guess I want to feel wanted. I want to feel as if somebody likes me for me. I want to laugh with somebody.
Here comes the double-edged sword on this one. Where I’ve been stuck and eating my own bodyweight in shit food and have put on weight, the self-esteem is at an all time low. I’m about to go on another holiday with the glamorous ladies of the London Family again and I’m bigger than I was last year and about to have to put a swimming costume on again. Bugger. Bollocks. I know that, at some point, a little switch will flick in my brain and all the crap food will be gone and I’ll be back to exercising and the weight will fall off. I know I can’t force that. I know it has to come on its own. It will and I’m ready for the day that it does.
In the meantime, I have taken the plunge and I have joined a new dating site. I did join one last year only on a freebie trial period. This was where the couple of first date abject failures came from so I didn’t bother for a while. There is absolutely no guarantee at this point that I will sign up properly to this new one and have to pay! I’m going to tentatively dip my toe back into that pool and see what happens. And as I finish typing this, “Renegade” by Daughtry comes onto the iPod. Perfectly timed.
Living The BPD Life 