Well thank goodness that’s over with. That was a really tough Christmas and New Year this time round. 2018’s was a lot tougher than 2017’s. I know why. At Christmas in 2017, my family was coming to my house on Boxing Day so I was extremely busy with all the preparations for that. Then, after they had gone on Boxing Day, Jack and Jill had a leak in their bathroom that evening so I spent that evening and the next few days helping them with water and food supplies until a plumber could come out and fix the leak. That kept me totally distracted and before I knew it, we were at New Year’s eve and I’d made it!
2018 was different. I hated the whole run up to Christmas. I didn’t want it. The morning of Christmas Day was very quiet. It was just the cat and I. I ate Christmas cake for breakfast and stayed in my PJs most of the morning. Now, to some, I understand that would be an absolute joy but I hated it. I watched some seriously crap TV and then got ready to go to Jack and Jill’s for Christmas Dinner. That was a lovely evening I have to say. Great food, great company and a few games of cards, with Jack trying to cheat but not getting away with a thing!
Boxing Day was good. That was my Christmas Day. I drove to my sister’s house, quite possibly in record-breaking time as traffic was very light. The car was loaded with Christmas presents. The kids were on great form and Mum and Dad arrived in good time also. Again, great food and great company and some absolutely fabulous presents. An emotional present from my Grandma though. She was going through an old desk of Granddad’s and found two necklaces that he had bought. One for me and one for my sister. Granddad has been gone for nearly 25 years and to then get a Christmas present from him, it has already become a treasured possession. I stayed over at my sister’s that night and drove back to London the next day, not so much in record breaking time, courtesy of some broken down cars on the M25!
Then there is that awful time between Christmas and New Year when nobody really knows what day of the week it is and you’re eating chocolate for breakfast and wondering how soon is too soon to start on the Baileys. I kept myself distracted during this time by trying to find homes for my new Christmas presents and trying to decide what my New Year resolutions would be. I pretty much immediately discounted the usual of packing up smoking and losing half my body weight, especially given the amount of chocolates and tins of biscuits I (very gratefully) received for Christmas.
The worst day was New Year’s Eve. That’s when it hit me. I was at Jack and Jill’s surrounded by people, good people, people who I love and respect, members of my “London family”. I was surrounded by all of these great people and I felt so incredibly alone. Traditionally, I’m not a fan of New Year’s Eve. You have to pay to get in anywhere. You can never get to the bar. You are supposed to be full of happiness and joy and it’s all a bit of an anti-climax in the end. I much preferred it when I worked behind the bar in pubs when I was younger. I was getting paid to go to a party! So, theoretically, going to Jack and Jill’s should have been a fabulous idea. It was. I just wasn’t expecting to feel the way I did. Boom. Hit me like a sledgehammer. Exploded like you wouldn’t believe. I held it together whilst I was at Jack and Jill’s. Well, I thought I did. On New Year’s Day, I got a text message from Jill asking if I wanted to go round for a bite to eat – just snacky stuff, so I did. They’d clocked that I wasn’t doing so well on New Year’s Eve and I started to cry. I wasn’t expecting that either. I haven’t shed a tear all over the festive period and, just when I thought I’d made it through unscathed, the overwhelming feelings crept up on me and came out. Dammit. I hate it when that happens.
I put a lot of it down to just being tired. I got a good night’s sleep last night for the first time in months, a proper 5 hours which, for me, is good. So, I wake up this morning and it’s all over for another year. The forced happiness, laughing, joking and smiles are packed away for another year. Back to my “normality”. Maybe time to change that.
So, what are my New Year’s resolutions for 2019? I’ve got to push myself this year. I’m going to work hard on my distraction techniques. I want to be playing the piano properly again and not the just the little dips in and out. I want to be reading books again. I want to get my focus and concentration back. I have to work on my self-confidence and self-worth. I haven’t exactly figured out how to do that yet, but I’m sure I’ll get some ideas as the year goes on. Reading those back, they are some pretty big resolutions for someone with BPD and Bipolar and it’s going to take a lot of hard work. However, I’m glad to see the back of 2018 and am going into 2019 hopeful. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone into a New Year hopeful. I may even dip my toe back into the dating pond but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves!
Whatever your New Year’s resolutions, the big one should be to be kind to yourself. Life isn’t easy, there will be challenges and obstacles and there will be days that are so much tougher than others. That’s okay. If you just make it through those days, that’s more than enough. Try again the following day. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a little push every now and again, challenge yourself out of your comfort zone. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get instant results or the result you expected. Take a step back, re-group and try again. You will get there. I will get there.
Happy New Year.
Living The BPD Life 