The last few weeks have been, quite frankly, overwhelming. Hence, my radio silence. I have literally just hunkered down and tried to power through it. I’ve not buried my head in the sand, as is so often the case, I’ve just tried to roll with the punches and get through it. There have been deaths and funerals, a 100th Birthday party, ESA paperwork, trouble with the car, x-rays on my shoulder, a wisdom tooth removal, an infection in the whole left side of my face and trying to get ready for Christmas.
Do you know what? You can keep Christmas this year. I don’t want it. Across the country, people are complaining about how quickly it’s come around this year. Well, it has. I know it’s the same day every year and it’s not like we don’t know about it! Let’s face it, some shops can’t help themselves but start displaying Christmas items after the August Bank Holiday! It’s thrust down our throats from early September and really gets ramped up after Halloween.
I haven’t put up one Christmas decoration this year, no tree, nothing, whereas the rest of my road is lit up like Blackpool illuminations. I have, however, made the dining table home for the cards that I have received, which is about the extent of my nod to Christmas this year.
Christmas is when I get to do a substantial amount of mileage in the car so having battery issues with it last weekend and having to dish out over £100 to have it repaired 7 days before the Big Day was not on my wish list. Before I knew exactly what was wrong with the car and how long it would take to fix, my Mum offered to pay for a hire car over the festive period for me. That was so incredibly sweet of her. However, I had already researched how much a hire car would cost and a 3 door Ford Fiesta to cover the period that I would need (only a few days) was £373! Oh, I fell over. I think Mum nearly had a heart attack too. Thankfully, as my car is fixed, Mum is off the hook.
On Christmas Day itself, I shall be at Jack and Jill’s. It’s Boxing Day when I get to drive to Lowestoft to visit my sister and the folks are meeting us there so the family will be together on Boxing Day. Unfortunately, Grandma can’t come this year as she is still having chemotherapy and has a hospital appointment the day after Boxing Day that the hospital won’t change and it’s too much for Mum and Dad to drive to and from Lowestoft in one day so we are all staying over. I am really looking forward to Boxing Day because the last time we all went to Lowestoft, we had an absolutely great time and it was really good fun.
It’s Christmas Day that I don’t want.
At the end of November, I went home to celebrate my Great Aunt’s 100th Birthday. It was an absolutely lovely day and Auntie was in great form. However, as I was leaving to drive back to London, my Mum gave me Christmas presents to open on Christmas Day. I did say to her to just take them to Lowestoft and I would open them with the family on Boxing Day, but she gave them to me anyway. I know, practically, why Mum has done this. It’s because they are taking Grandma home first on Boxing Day before driving to Lowestoft and the car will be packed to the rafters so, any way of saving space is good for them.
However, the last thing I want to do is sit at home on Christmas Day morning on my own and open presents. I can’t think of anything worse. I know I’m going to Jack and Jill’s for Christmas dinner and I will have a really lovely time with them. But Christmas Day morning, especially knowing how much of an early bird I can be, is going to suck big time. It will just be me and the cat and I’m really not convinced that Bob will show too much enthusiasm when I’m opening presents! Although, she may do when I scrunch up the wrapping paper and throw it across the living room floor for her to chase.
Last year, I was absolutely fine about being on my own on Christmas morning but, this year, something is different. The only thing I can put it down to is the after effects of knowing that Dave and Alexis got married in September. I think it was different when they were still, technically, single. The fact that the third Mrs Dave will be making his coffee on Christmas morning and watching his face light up when he opens his presents, quite frankly, sucks. Before you all start, I don’t want him back. I am not in love with him anymore. It’s just having that special person that you get to buy a gift, or gifts, for and to see their face when they open it. To have someone to watch Die Hard with which, I do believe, is one of the best Christmas movies ever, in your PJs, on the sofa before the chaos of fitting in all the family really gets underway.
It’s loneliness. I know that I’ve got to do something about “getting back out there”. I have to admit that I’ve not bothered of late in engaging in any online dating sites or, in any moment of desperation, Tinder, and I know full well that my Prince Charming will not just knock on my front door. Indeed, one my friends said to me the other day that my attitude towards it of “can’t be arsed” wasn’t the best thing! I know that he’s absolutely spot on with that.
My New Year’s Resolutions for 2019 will not consist of quitting smoking or eating less crap, because let’s face it, they usually get blown out of the water inside of a fortnight even though I probably should do both! I will endeavour in 2019 to push myself out of my comfort zone and push myself to meet new people and, who knows, maybe 2019 will throw in some good surprises for me.
To ensure that I make it through Christmas relatively unscathed, I have made sure that I have enough of my medications to see me through the silly season. Being with Jack and Jill on Christmas Day, I know I will be able to be honest with them if I’m feeling overwhelmed or not in the best way. I am also safe in the knowledge (although will probably have to keep telling myself) that it will all be over soon and, as soon as blink, we’ll be watching adverts for Easter Eggs and Summer Holidays!
If you are feeling in any way the same regarding the impending festivities, be honest with someone, be it friend or family member. It will all be over soon. You are not alone and it’s okay to reach out for support.
So, you can keep Christmas this year. I want to say goodbye (and good riddance) to 2018 and start afresh in 2019. However, this will not stop me from eating Christmas pudding and Christmas cake.
Whatever you are doing, stay safe and try to enjoy.
Living The BPD Life 