After my BPD diagnosis and when I first started treatment, one of my first questions was “what has caused this”? I have asked it of just about every therapist, psychiatrist and psychologist I have encountered to try to get a full understanding. The general themes that I have gained from their answers is that my neural pathways operate a little differently (nature and to a degree, genetics) along with childhood experiences (nurture). Before they even know anything about me or my childhood, they tell me that my BPD has been partly caused by a lack of love and affection from my parents, frequent arguing and anger within the household, emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
So, I was born with some slightly unusual neural pathways in my brain. Fair enough. Dr Robert Friedel, author of the book “Borederline Personality Disorder Demystified” states that it is “possible that the neural systems associated with the major symptoms of borderline disorder development abnormally in some people with the disorder, either before or shortly after birth”. Not a lot anybody can do about that. Nobody could have seen that coming and my parents certainly couldn’t have known what was going on inside my brain either just before or just after I was born! Just as a side note, I can seriously recommend this book for those who suffer with BPD and for their loved ones. It’s a good read and very much tries to dispel some myths and make sense of the condition.
There is now evidence that you can have a genetic predisposition to BPD, i.e. you’ve inherited it from someone. It doesn’t necessarily have to be BPD that your parent/grandparent may have had. It can be something that shows similar symptoms to BPD so it could be something like affective disorder or PTSD. This is because they can have similar neural pathway issues. It is the neural pathways that control regulation of emotion, impulse control and reasoning that are the ones affected. The brain does contain around one hundred billion nerve cells which have to be arranged in a very specific way so it’s no wonder that some of those pathways can end up not being aligned properly or develop the way they should.
I will on the whole fiercely defend my parents. I am very protective of them and will not have them blamed for me developing the condition. Yes, my parents argued (and still do) but I defy you to find parents who haven’t argued over the years, be it about money, the kids, whatever. You can’t blame that. To me, that’s normal life. My parents both have quick tempers but they have a row, let it go and move on. They don’t sulk. They get it out in the open and deal with it. I’d much rather be like that than not say anything and sulk and let things fester out of control. They’ve been married nearly 50 years so something must be working! My Grandma will tell you that as young children, we would phone Grandma and Granddad and tell them that “World War Three has broken out again”. We weren’t on the phone to our Grandparents in tears or asking them to come and get us to remove us from the situation. It was just what Mum and Dad did. Even at a young age, I preferred that they had a row, got it over with and moved on. There was no emotional or physical abuse.
My parents are from the very stoic, stiff upper lip generation so I will admit that maybe they weren’t emotionally available to us as children and I have stated that to Mum. She has agreed. However, if you want to start looking at how Mum and Dad were towards us as children, then surely you’ve got to go back to what their childhoods were like? My Mum came from a dysfunctional marriage and moved schools numerous times. She did, for a while, live with her Aunt and Uncle. Her Mum (Granny) was not emotionally available to her in any way, shape or form. Granny was not a particularly nice person. She once told Mum that she was a “mistake”. My Mum and Dad have NEVER said that to us. She has always told us that we were planned and wanted. To be told that you were a mistake would definitely be something you’d remember and have a detrimental effect. When my Mum met my Dad, Granny tried to take Grandma (Dad’s Mum) to Court for “stealing her daughter’s affections”. Granny was not a very good Mum.
There was physical abuse when Mum was a child. My Dad has smacked me once and, quite frankly, I deserved it….and more. I was about 4 years old. I was told not to go into the cupboard underneath the china cabinet that contained all of Mum’s collection of Royal Albert china. That was a big thing in the 1970’s. Well, I went into the cupboard and pulled the whole cabinet over and smashed all of Mum’s china. So, yes, I definitely deserved that one. I certainly learned from that day not to disobey Dad!
So, in my mind, compared to what my Mum had to deal with as a child, we had an absolutely amazing childhood and I will not have a word said against my Mum and Dad about how they have raised us. Don’t get me wrong, I am not detracting or minimising in any way anybody who has had to suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of their parents or other people within the family circle. It just didn’t happen to us. There was some inappropriate behaviour I shall say when I was younger but I’m not prepared to expand on that any further. We know the difference between right or wrong. We have never been in prison, we are not addicted to drugs or alcohol and we are a continual work in progress trying to carve out good lives for ourselves and we love our parents. To me, that’s some seriously successful parenting.
Every decision my parents made when we were children was with our best interests at the core, be it which school we went to, where we moved to, holidays, allowing us to have hobbies, learn to play musical instruments, all of it. Hindsight is a powerful tool but it can also be quite destructive. I know that in my conversations with Mum post-breakdown, she feels at times that she has failed us a Mother and I will not and do not accept that at all. As I say, compared to what she had to deal with, she is an absolute angel of a Mother. Every parent makes mistakes. Every parent can look back and think they should have handled a particular situation differently. However, that doesn’t achieve anything except feelings of failure and guilt which aren’t productive.
So, I’m a mix of nature and nurture. There’s nothing anybody can do about that now. All I can do now is be more honest about how I’m feeling, have more open and honest conversations with my family and close friends and not let Mum and Dad feel responsible in any way for this. It just happened. I have an illness and it’s not their fault. It does help having a better understanding of how it happened but I won’t blame anyone for it. It is what it is. Management and hopefully recovery one day is far more important to me than apportioning blame.
Living The BPD Life 