I have never spoken publicly about the fallout from Dave’s request for a divorce. Obviously, I had told my parents aswell as Jack and Jill because they were so closely involved during the separation. However, I never posted anything on Facebook, I never contacted Dave’s children and maintained a dignified silence. I never publicly slagged Dave off either. Even in private, I defended Dave (and Alexis) more than I had moaned.
So why put it all out there now?
Dave and Alexis have married (more about how I was nearly an accidental guest another time); the divorce was finalised over a year ago and I have taken some time to take a hard look at myself to see what I was responsible for. I genuinely believe that part of being compassionate towards yourself is not just giving yourself a break and being kind to yourself. I believe that you also have to take a look at your actions and behaviours; try to learn from experiences and, ultimately, move forward to a healthier, better version of yourself. This never excuses the behaviours of others though! You can’t control what other people say or think; it’s how you react to it and process it.
Once the initial shock had worn off regarding Dave asking for the divorce and I’d started being practical and distracted, Jack gave me more details as to what Dave had said when they met. Dave had some very interesting things to say including some quite left of field accusations.
Apparently, he’d been squirreling money away for ages – for over a year and had been thinking about ending our marriage for around two years. Lovely. That one stung like a son of a b**ch! He’d clearly had one foot out of the door for quite some time and really needed to justify his actions. The accusations that were levelled at me were as follows:
• He said that we didn’t do anything together;
• There is an “inside” me and an “outside” me.
• He alleged that I showed him no affection.
• Apparently, I want the little cottage with a white picket fence and he wants more out of his life. He wants to live his life his own way and he wants more out of life.
• He thought that he was the right person at the right time for me to get married.
• He thought I was gay.
• He wants to do what he wants, when he wants.
• I’m obsessed with Alexis.
• I’m a compulsive liar
• Dave and Alexis didn’t believe that I’d had the number of procedures and operations on my back and foot as I didn’t have enough scars.
Then, I had a conversation with Alexis’s ex-boyfriend and he also told some things which I had never heard of before which Dave had told him that both he and Alexis though the following:
• I’m “bitter and twisted” and a “witch”.
• I stole the money out of his jars in the cupboard.
• I wouldn’t do anything with his friends.
• Alexis hasn’t wanted to be my friend for years – she only tolerated me because she liked Dave.
• Allegedly, I accused Alexis of having an affair with Dave 3 years or so before we split up.
• Apparently, on more than one occasion Alexis had left my house in tears because of something I had said.
• Alexis had said that I didn’t take her illnesses seriously and everything was all about me.
Well, let’s get stuck in, shall we? Let’s start with Dave’s allegations.
“We didn’t do anything together”. I would like to take this opportunity to state for the record that when Dave and I first moved in together, Dave did not have a passport. I bought him a passport as a present for our first Christmas together. We visited 9 countries in 6 years, some of them twice, one of them three times. We went to darts tournaments together. We went to birthday parties and weddings together. I went to the auctions with him and to boot sales. We went out for dinner.
“Inside and Outside Me”. Well, d’uh! Of course I was going to be a different person when we were in public or in company than when we were alone, even around Alexis and her then boyfriend. I genuinely believed he understood that. He had heard me on the phone telling my Mum I was okay when he knew full well that I wasn’t. He knew that I put an act on when I went out because I was ashamed of the mental health problems I was having and I didn’t want people to know and/or worry.
“No affection from me”. As I have noted previously, the amount of Venlafaxine that I have to take does somewhat devastate your libido. However, I would sit with him on the sofa and stroke his arm; I would hug him and kiss him. Let’s also not forget that for a number of years, because of my lack of libido, I had to endure his little digs and comments regarding this including the epic “it will take more than a microwave to thaw my wife out”. When you are being subjected to those sorts of barbed comments daily, it erodes your self-confidence and does not make you overly inclined to want to jump the bones of the person who is making said comments. He made me feel as sexy as a damp dish cloth.
“The cottage with the white picket fence”: This one really confused the daylights out of me. When I told my parents and Jack and Jill about this, all of them had the same reaction of “he doesn’t really know you does he?” Since the separation and the divorce, I have tried to fathom what he may have meant by this. The only thing that I can come up with is that if the idea of the cottage with the white picket fence is that I want to be healthy (physically and mentally) and live happily ever after, then Yes, that is what I want. However, I would prefer the Georgian double fronted 5 bedroom detached house with a load of grounds for horses and a swimming pool in the back garden! He said as part of that the he wanted more out of life. He had a wife who loved him, supported him but just wasn’t sleeping with him. If that is what it came down, then how shallow and a total lack of understanding and communication as far as the effects of the medication were concerned. There was a lack of communication on my part aswell therefore about the effects of the medication but I do recall a couple of sessions with my psychiatrist where Dave was present and I did explain about the side effects of the medication and the psychiatrist confirmed that what I was saying was true.
“The right person for me to get married”. Erm, I’d have said that was pretty obvious. Am I being naïve on this one? I was in love with him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn’t have a gun to his head to get married. Indeed, it was he who asked me. He was still married to his first Wife when he asked me to get married and I refused to get engaged to a man who was still legally married. It was only when that we knew that his Decree Absolute from his first Wife was imminent that we got engaged.
“He thought I was gay”. This was purely because I wasn’t sleeping with him. He actually asked a member of his family who is gay if she thought that I was gay. Both she and her girlfriend said No. I actually thought that one was quite funny. He would assume I was gay because he couldn’t accept and/or understand that the medication was taking its toll and that his comments were incredibly hurtful and didn’t exactly make me feel particularly fruity shall we say!
“He wants to do what he wants, when he wants”. Not entirely sure when this one was any different to our day to day life! Dave liked to play poker with his friends on a Friday night. I never stopped him. In fact, I actively encouraged it that he spend time with his friends and that we have separate interests and joint interests. I would occasionally have lunch with Jill or go out with Alexis and he would have a few beers with his mates. There was, however, one occasion that I asked him not to go out. It was the night before the big celebration for my 40th Birthday which was to be a lunch. He said that he wanted to play poker on the Friday night and I asked him if he wouldn’t that night because it was going to be a big, long day for me on the Saturday. I wanted his help in decorating the venue on the Saturday morning before everyone arrived for lunch. He hadn’t done anything towards arranging this lunch. I had secured the venue, sent out the invitations, sorted out the menus, was paying for it all, got all the table decorations ready and all I needed was his help on Saturday morning. I didn’t need him with a hangover, not wanting to get out of bed until lunchtime. That was the only time I asked him not to go out. To be fair, he didn’t. Can I just note at this point I do not want it to seem in any way that Dave did nothing for my 40th Birthday. He did. He took me away on a really lovely holiday that I had to do no preparation for at all and it really was a lovely week away. The Birthday lunch was what I wanted to share with friends and family so I did all the arrangements.
“Obsessed with Alexis”. I know exactly where this has come from. After Dave and I separated and I found out that they had been spending more time together and had lied to me about it, I pulled them both about it. I was angry. Not only about the fact that they had lied to me about it but was angry in general about the separation so I didn’t know what to think. I was questioning them about it now because they had lied and had basically been busted. I wanted answers and I wanted all the information I could get.
“Compulsive liar and the operations”. Apparently, Dave and Alexis didn’t believe about the surgeries I’ve had because I don’t have enough scars. Wow. That was quite impressive. I questioned Dave about this when he came to collect his belongings. I left it until that point because Mum was present. Mum has been by my side through pretty much all of my operations and procedures. As I’ve said before, I’ve been single most of my adult life so it’s always been good old Mum who has come to hold my hand and take me home after having an anaesthetic. I didn’t prepare Mum for that one and just questioned Dave in front of her. Mum was absolutely mortified that Dave would think such a thing. I explained to Dave that Mum had been with me at enough hospitals to know that she preferred the food at London Bridge to Blackheath and that she had been sat outside the x-ray department listening to me scream and shout at my podiatrist when I was having 21 needles put into my foot to try to disperse a lump.
I know how the liar part came about. After Dave and I separated and I had got myself back into my Local Authority’s Mental Health system, I had a couple of text messages from Alexis’s ex-boyfriend. He was asking how I was. I told him that I was back “under” the system. That got translated into back “into” the system in that Dave and Alexis assumed that I had been admitted back into Nutlins. At no point did I ever say that I had been admitted. I said I was back “under” the system meaning that the Home Treatment Team were visiting me and I was actually doing everything within my power NOT to be re-admitted into Nutlins.
I have felt the need to defend myself on these accusations now because I have heard them from more than one source. As I said earlier, I kept a dignified silence when this was all first happening but enough time has passed now that I feel I can have my say. I can put my side across and what it was like to live with Dave and have Alexis in my life. They clearly didn’t give a rat’s backside about me when they decided to get together so why should I worry now about hurting their feelings? I’m not.
Let us now turn to the accusations levelled at me by Alexis and Dave together. These were extremely hurtful. I had known Alexis since she was 14 years old. I had been there for her when her ex-boyfriend turned nasty. He would get drunk and be vicious towards her. I have stayed overnight at her flat when he was being particularly evil. We had to call the Police at 2am. Dave and I had been there when he kicked the door in. I have comforted her. I have counselled her. I have never lied to her. I told her that I didn’t like her ex-boyfriend and that she would be better off single than with someone like that. I have been sat in the waiting room with in the Accident & Emergency Department of our local hospital when she was having a panic attack because of her ex-boyfriend. I’ve been to the hospital with her when she’s had to have dental work and I’ve brought her home. When she was first diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I took to the internet to research it so that I could understand it better. I’d never heard of it before. I helped her fill out her Disability Living Allowance Application Form on more than one occasion.
Dave said I was a bitter and twisted witch. Oh, he was pissed at me that I cancelled the van insurance so soon after he called time on our marriage and even more pissed that I stole the money out of his jars. Granted, I was angry. However, I genuinely believe I was totally justified on both accounts, sort of! When Dave and I separated, he just took the van. He didn’t actually confirm with me that it was okay to take the van. We had bought the van together although all of the paperwork was in my name. I hadn’t had use of the van for the eight weeks during our separation and when we met outside Jill’s house and he said he wasn’t coming back, he wanted the van. Have the van. Just don’t expect me to pay for it! When I contacted the insurance company, I kept the insurance up until the day that he was coming to collect his belongings. I think it was quite fair to say that on that day when he had removed all of his belongings he was removing himself officially from my home and my life. So why should I pay for the van insurance after that point? Also, after seeking legal advice, technically I could have had Dave charged with taking the van without consent. I know – how mad is that? It was in my name and he hadn’t asked about the van when we separated, he just assumed that he could take it as he drove it more than I did.
I’ll maybe give him some latitude about the money in the jars. That was a little cheeky of me. However, he had left me high and dry during our separation and upon consultation with a divorce lawyer, legally it is in the matrimonial home and therefore classified as “married money” so I had it! I still feel a smidge of guilt to this day about taking that money so maybe it comes under the category of not illegal but maybe not the most moral thing to do! It was a little devious but, quite frankly, compared to the actions of Dave and Alexis, pretty insignificant.
Allegedly around 3 years before Dave and I separated, I openly accused Alexis of having an affair with him. This apparently happened at a mutual friend’s house. It was this incident that caused the wedge in the friendship between myself and Alexis, according to Alexis. Firstly, I have absolutely no recollection of this having taken place. Secondly, if I thought my Husband was having an affair, I would have asked my Husband first. Dave had no recollection of me ever having brought this up as an issue when I talked to him about it. Thirdly, even if I wanted to supposedly confront Alexis about this, I sure as hell wouldn’t have done it in somebody else’s house. I would have spoken to Alexis separately, in private when no one else was around. Finally, if Alexis as genuinely upset but this apparent accusation, why did she hang on to it for so long? Why didn’t she talk to me about it sooner? If I had ever said anything to her to upset her, why didn’t she talk to me about it? Why store it up? Why not address the situation or remove herself from our friendship at that point? Unfortunately, I will probably never get the answers to those questions.
I was absolutely devastated that Alexis would think that I didn’t believe her about her illnesses; that I didn’t take them seriously; and that everything was all about me. Total bullshit. I have never said anything behind Alexis’s back that I wouldn’t say to her face. I agreed with Alexis when she said that she was a Princess and could wrap her parents around her little finger and pretty much always got what she wanted. I did admit to her that I was quite envious she could do that as I just wouldn’t have the balls to try that with my parents!! It was said jokingly but maybe it was taken incredibly seriously.
I researched Alexis’s illnesses. I sat with her and listened to her explain them, both in person and on the phone. I asked questions. When I knew she had appointments coming up, I would ask about them. I would ask how she got on afterwards. It was not all about me. Also, to think that I was jealous of her life and her boyfriends was just totally ridiculous. Her first Husband was a drug taker. Her ex-boyfriend was a violent alcoholic. Why would I want anything like that in my life? I always encouraged her to spend time being single because that had to better than being in those types of relationships. Besides, I was in love with what I thought was a good man. He wasn’t violent and he didn’t take drugs so why would I be jealous of someone’s relationship with a partner who I openly admitted I didn’t like and thought she would have been better off without.
There were obviously more accusations and comments that were made but I have chalked them up to being pathetic and trivial. The main accusations and comments are those which I have outlined above and subsequently attempted to give my perception of the events. During the last 2.5 years since Dave and I separated, I have tried to see these events from Dave’s perspective and subsequently Alexis’s perspective to try to understand what they could think I had done wrong.
Obviously to me now, the big thing that I did wrong was that I wasn’t sleeping with my Husband prior to our separation and I didn’t communicate with him as well as I should have done. I failed my Husband as a Wife, in my wifely duties. I just couldn’t do the “lie back and think of England”. I just couldn’t. I am sorry to Dave for that. However, he didn’t help the situation with his comments. It wasn’t helped by the fact that when we did get intimate, he would go “soft” when he went near me which also negatively affected my self-confidence and self-esteem. I’m sure that it negatively impacted his self-esteem too. Then it got worse by not telling Dave regularly that his comments were hurtful and were not conducive to me regaining our intimacy. I am also sorry to Alexis that if I ever said anything to her that hurt her feelings or made her angry but I just didn’t know that I had offended her.
Into the next chapter of my life, I take that I have to communicate in a better way. Not just with any potential new partner, but in general. With my immediate circle of family and friends, I no longer keep secrets about my mental health. I’ve started this blog to be open and honest. I am getting better at explaining when my feelings have been hurt by someone. I am a work in progress towards a healthier, happier life.
Living The BPD Life 